Ask Alle: Interpersonal relationships & blogs

Probably one of the most frequent questions that I’m asked is “How does your mother/brother/best friend feel about being written about in your blog?”

Sometimes this is asked in the form of a question. “How do I get my mother/brother/best friend/boyfriend/girlfriend to be okay with me writing about them on my blog?”

There’s really no easy answer to this, because it’s really a question of boundaries and how individuals view privacy. I don’t have many boundaries, and so I’m okay with looking stupid/bombastic/drunk/vulnerable on the internet. The couple things that I want to keep private, I don’t talk about on this blog. It’s that simple. It’s not lying to your audience, it’s maintaining a certain degree of separation between the real world and the world of the internet–I think this is healthy.

While there are really only TWO things that I don’t feel like sharing with the world, other people have different ideas about it. When you write about others, be sure that you know where their boundaries are. If you’re not sure where those boundaries are, ask. “Do you mind if I write about last night/you/this on my blog?” usually works. If you don’t want to or can’t ask, make an educated guess: Does the person have a personal blog of their own, or are they someone who considers Facebook weird and voyeuristic? Take that into account.

Also, a note about obscuring identities: If you do this once, you have to be consistent with it. Funny names are all well and good, but pick something you’ll be able to remember. My friend once kept a blog where I was referred to as A, Big A, Lipz and Oz, sometimes in the same post. Avoid that. It’s confusing.

When you write about others, be mindful of how you present them. It’s really easy to write yourself as an amazing, perfect creature while everyone around you is a mouthbreathing moron, but it’s not realistic. And you might lovingly mock your friends on the daily, but that stuff comes across really differently on the internet (at least until someone invents a sarcasm font). My rule of thumb is to only ever make others as ridiculous as you make yourself. I’m as honest about myself as it’s possible to be, and myself happens to be really eccentric and strange. My friends and family are all just as peculiar as I am, and I exaggerate their foibles only as much as I exaggerate my own. Equal treatment.

Finally, understand that whatever you write will be around forever, so only ever write something if you’d be okay with saying it to someone’s face. You might be angry at your parents or your best friend, but writing a venom-filled blog post about it probably won’t help. In fact, it’ll probably only make stuff worse if when they find it later. Same goes for passive-aggressive posts about “certain people” that you secretly hope they’ll read and react to. Maybe this is just a lesson for life: if you have a problem with someone, confront it directly. It might be scary, but at least you know where you stand when it’s all over.

I know that I’ve written many, many posts about the people who DONE ME WRONG last year, and so you may be gearing up to call me a hypocrite–save your bile, internets! Rest assured that I tried to fix every single one of those situations, both with individuals and with groups, but things don’t always turn out the way you want them to. The blogs I wrote were attempts to work through my very real confusion and frustration, and thanks to the input of my readers, I gained new perspective and was able to negotiate some very rough waters knowing that I wasn’t entirely alone. Belated thankyou!

As for the specific question of how my friends and family feel about this blog, there’s not a super easy answer. Some of my friends LOVE popping up in photos and stories. (“Don’t forget to write about the time we talked in three-inch voices,” Charlotte reminded me recently.) Others aren’t as enthused–Will has never liked me writing about him, probably because he does more weird shit than everyone else in my life put together. This has included starting an imaginary band called “Subterranean Love Nest” and insisting that I have both “black shark eyes” and “weird angles.”

As for family, my brother is too involved in his studies to pay attention to what I do, and my mother is not exactly tech-savvy. Mum DOES like that I pass her wisdom on to my blog friends, but she would like everyone to think that she is profound like that all the time. Recently she has started yelling “DON’T TWITTER THAT!” every time she says something silly, but I’m pretty sure she doesn’t actually know what Twitter is. As for my Dad, he pops up every now and then to say something profound like “your inability to give a damn might occasionally get you in trouble,” then call me by my full name and make an obscure Jane Austen reference.

You can tell where I come from.

In conclusion, if you write about your life, be respectful of the people who make it awesome. Strong relationships make for better stories, anyway.

Loves you!

Sweet Nothings

I know I’ve said this before, but: REJOICE! YOUR FEARLESS LEADER HAS RETURNED! I’m back and I’m bringing the unsettling combination of self-aggrandizement and vulnerability you’ve come to know and love. Or something.

The biggest thing on my mind–bigger than cancer, bigger than my living situation changing, bigger than the biggest big that’s BIGGER THAN BIGGER–is that tomorrow night, the greatest show in the history in the world returns. You know what I’m talking about…

THE FINAL SEASON, HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT. To adapt a quote from Mean Girls, I spend about sixty percent of my time talking about LOST and the other forty percent hoping that someone else brings it up so that I can talk about it more. I’m really not sure how all the mysteries will possibly get wrapped up in ONE season to everyone’s satisfaction, but if anyone can do it, it’s the LOST writers. Like Locke once did, I have faith.

I’m actually so excited about the storyline that I probably won’t even be able to ogle Sawyer as much as I usually do. O-kay, I’ll PROBS be able to manage. Because oh my god, ROWR.

HELLO, MASSIVE LADYBONER.

. . .

Anyway. Allow me to give you whiplash with the sudden change in tone of this post.

I don’t know if everyone knows this, but in Chicago there’s an unspoken understanding that if you don’t have a girl/boyfriend before the onset of winter, you won’t get one until spring. During the cold months, everyone in Chicago basically pairs off and hibernates under blankets having lots of sex and saving money on their heating bill. You may have gathered from the dry tone of that explanation that I am not one of the ones having lots of winter sex with my winter boyfriend, and you would be correct. I know that what I’m doing is the right thing–not being with someone just to kill time, not dating someone just because they like me, etcetera. I quite like being single, and it isn’t that I feel awkward when I’m out with my coupled-up friends (I don’t do awkward). It’s more that I feel the lack of something, and I think it’s love.

Last year really forced me to think about my life and what I want out of it. I was previously pretty ambivalent about romantic love because I didn’t really think that I needed it, if that makes sense. My primary relationships were with my friends; relationships with men took second place. I’m realising now that this isn’t the way to go. Neither do I want to always be the third wheel in everyone else’s romantic dyad. I want that for myself. And that means that I have to put as much love and attention into my future romantic relationships as I have into my friendships.

But even that worries me now. I know that awful things happen, but I’ve always believed that the world is essentially a beautiful place. I still believe that. But for the last year or so, my personal world reeeeeeeally hasn’t been living up to this and it’s taken a toll on me. I’m realising that I’ve been living in disaster mode for a long, long time–so long that it seems normal to me now. Adaptive, even helpful. Because when you’re in a crisis, emotions are a luxury that you don’t have time for. You have to shut all of that down and focus and DEAL. But I’m not in a crisis anymore. I don’t need the laser focus of disastervision, I SHOULD have emotions again. But I’ve been living so long with pale feelings that last fifteen minutes maximum that I don’t know how to flip the switch and come back. And honestly, when I do find that switch, how am I going to handle it? I experienced a crush recently and even though those are nice feelings, they unsettled me to a ridiculous degree. I wanted it to stop. I wanted the calm and the nothing that’s become my default feeling, because I’m used to it. It’s not scary. Feelings are scary to me now.

And it’s here that I understand why some people are afraid to trust others. It’s not that they’re scared of other people, it’s that they’re scared of feeling things in themselves. I’m not afraid of trusting people. I need to stop being afraid of myself. It’s okay to have emotions sometimes, just as long as I can control them and they do not control me.

. . .

I am not sure if or when I’ll be back to my five days a week posting schedule, because there’s an AWFUL lot going on in The Life Of Malice right now. Moving, medical baloney, interior design…oh yeah, trust me, it’s a non-stop funfest here. I do solemnly swear to write more and share some awesome pictures with you soon. Cross my heart.

Also, I’ve decided that it’s time for me to actually do my blogroll. If you are a Friend of Malice and would like to see your blog/website/whatever appear on the list to the right, leave me a comment and let me know!

Loves you!

FABULOUS PARKING

I don’t remember who told me to do this, but SOMEBODY told me that at the beginning of the new year, one should make a New Year’s Dream List. Make a list of all of the things you would like to have in your life, big or small, realistic or hopelessly unattainable. Write it down, draw pictures of it, whatever. Keep it a secret, tell your best friend, put it on your blog and let everyone know. Just get it down on paper and out into the world. At the end of the year, look back and see what you’ve manifested and how many of the things on your Dream List have come true.

I know that this sounds all very New Age-y and Oprahesque, and initially I only did it because I like lists. But I’m totally reconsidering that opinion because even though we’re less than a month into the new year, I am already getting the things that I want. I mean, it’s not happening easily or the way that I thought it would, but I think this is a lesson that I really have to learn: NOT EVERYTHING IS HOW YOU THINK IT WILL BE. All capitals necessary. Living as Alle means living a very caps-friendly existence.

I am choosing to keep my Dream List secret until the end of the year. Then I’ll share it with everyone and hopefully see how in a backwards, backhanded way, all of my dreams came true.

Meanwhile, I’m coping with the soul-sucking frozen hell that is the Midwest. Chicago has been cold and rainy, which combined with pain (and painkillers) has been putting me in some pretty epic Bad Moods. On Thursday I went into Boystown to see my friend AJ and as I was walking down the street, I saw this:

I know it’s just a little hut where a parking guard sits, but I loved everything about it. The tininess! The pink with black trim! And the sign that says FABULOUS PARKING! All I can say is, what’s the rent like? When can I move in?

As long as there are beautiful, surprising things like this in the world, nothing will ever be so bad.

Coming up next week: party pictures, my first foray into interior design and Special Feelings. STAY TUNED, IT’S GONNA BE GRAND.

Loves you!

Blog, Interrupted

I know that I should write more often. I have a million things to say. It’s just that I have to go back and have more surgery to cut more “problem cells” out of me and it’s been weighing on my mind.

Party life and nonsense will resume soon. Fresh start in 2010!

Loves you!

Dawn of the silver fox

Edie Sedgwick spray-painted her hair silver to match Andy Warhol’s wigs.

Listening to: Passion Pit (sounds great on my headphones).
Wearing: Blue and brown pyjamas, leopard snuggie (the latter was a joke present from my Mother; joke’s on you, Mum, I LOVE THIS STUPID THING).
Excited about: Wednesday in general (I hope).
Current existential crises: None reported (still early in the day).

. . .

About a month ago, I made the decision to change my hair colour. There were three main reasons for this:

1. My hair is naturally very light & the upkeep involved in keeping it black was insane.
2. It’s been black for like three years and HOMEGIRL IS BORRRRRED.
3. The combination of black and blunt bangs make people think I am a certain type of person, which isn’t accurate. My head is full of unicorns and glitter and rainbows; I’m not exactly wearing a leather catsuit under my jeans and t-shirt.

I haven’t decided what I’m going to do with the colour yet. As a stopgap measure, I’ve started growing out my roots. There’s now about two inches of lightness popping out of my scalp now, which I’ve been hiding under an assortment of cute winter knit hats. Imagine my surprise when I realised that the lightness that was appearing wasn’t exactly what I’d expected.

To explain something, here’s where half of my genetic material comes from:

This is my Mum. In addition to being wise yet generally confused about her robot daughter, she’s also a babe. Notice her hair; brown in back, white in the front. The brown is the work of her colourist but the white is natural. My Mum started to go grey in the front only when she was about forty. I noticed a small patch of white appear in my bangs when I was 22 and have been hypervigilant about colouring it so as not to look like Bride of Frankenstein. I was kind of excited to see it now sans dye, so when I couldn’t immediately locate it, I was…confused.

Turns out that I couldn’t find it because the white? It hadn’t gone away. It had spread. All over the front of my head. It’s hard to see because my natural colour is light anyway, but in the correct light, see it one can: I currently estimate that 40% of my bangs are growing in white. I’m a silver fox at 25.

I know the issue of greying brings up a whole maelstrom of issues regarding women and aging in our culture, and frankly I don’t think I’m qualified to talk about many of them. No matter how many grey hairs I’ve sprouted, I’m still a young woman. I don’t know how I’ll feel about grey hair when I’m 40, I only know how I feel about it now. Which is really weirded out.

As people get older, they lose melanin from their hair follicles, making the hair lose it’s colour and eventually go transparent. Nobody really knows why this happens, but it doesn’t seem to be related to fear or stress in any meaningful scientific way. I know it happens to everyone, and I personally think that grey hair looks amazing on older women. I just thought that I had another fifteen or twenty years before it would happen to me.

I’m not a girl anymore, but I’m still certainly a young woman. I want the things that young women generally want; I want love, I want a meaningful life, I want a family someday in the future. I feel like a lot of the experiences I’ve had lately–cancer in my family, cancer in myself, now grey hair–are things that lower my value in the eyes of the world. All I can think about sometimes is how is all of this, as a package, will affect my life in the future. How am I going to explain this to a dude when the subject of kids comes up? “Oh hey, had bits cut out of me. Don’t worry, I’m probably still reproductively viable. And I know my hair’s going white but I’m really a genetic goldmine.” Yeah, because THAT’S comforting.

And, ugh, this is about CANCER again. I still think about myself the same way but other people, even people that I love, think about and treat me differently. And when I realise that, when I think about the fact that others look at me and see CANCER or SICK or SURVIVOR, I feel disgusted with myself. Like I’m not even a woman anymore. Like I’m just a mangled-up, useless thing.

Going white at my age doesn’t make me feel dignified, it reminds me that I already feel older than I am. I suppose that if I think really hard about it, there’s a certain beauty in that. But at the same time, I feel angry about it. Kind of…robbed. Like something’s been taken away from me by circumstance, and there’s nothing that I can do about it.

But I suppose there really isn’t anything that I can do about it, except make the most of what I’ve got right here and right now. Maybe, when I’m ready, I’ll let my very own wizard’s lock grow out. And maybe my daughter, if I have one, will think it’s as beautiful as I think my Mum’s is. Or maybe she’ll think I’m weird. Actually, I’m pretty sure that’ll be a given, but all things considered, I’m okay with that.

Loves you!

So this is the new year…and I don’t feel any different (except that I do)

“This is not a year on which I shall look back with undiluted pleasure. In the words of one of my more sympathetic correspondents, it has turned out to be an Annus Horribilis.” –Elizabeth II

I know I’ve already written an emotional letter to the year that was (as it will be remembered by history, the year two thousand and UGHHHHH), but traditionally I wind up every year by completing a survey. This will be the seventh year that I’ve done this; it’s an awesome way for me to see where I am now and where I’ve been in the last 365 days. So here it is. 2009 in a nutshell. Enjoy!

1. What’s something you did in 2009 that you’d never done before? I started a secret society. I started a blog. I started running wild. I started having feelings. I started watching Star Trek.

Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more? I’m not even sure what my new year’s resolutions were last year, so I suppose that answers the question as to whether or not I kept them. For 2010, I resolve to:
- Be a good friend to the people in my life.
- Be open and receptive to love in all its forms.
- Make good decisions.
- Be a Lady in all aspects of my life.
- Be healthy, be happy; cultivate stillness and calm.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth? No, but Victoria is pregnant again!

4. Did anyone close to you die? Three people. I miss them.

5. Did anyone close to you get married? My Jenny bee and James. Dannette and Charles. Such wonderful couples; I love you guys!

6. How many countries did you visit? I started the year in Australia and I ended it in the USA. Rad.

7. What would you like to have in 2010 that you lacked in 09? Stability and calm.

8. Is there a date from 2009 that will remain etched in your memory and why? The fourth of July. I will never, ever forget that day. I will remember it because it was the beginning of the end, and I know that sounds dramatic, but it honestly was.

9. What was your greatest success? Taking care of family stuff by myself. Learning lessons from the shit detailed below.

10. What was your greatest failure? This year, I was an absolutely terrible judge of character. If I’d have deliberately set out with the intention of finding and befriending the shittiest people in the city of Chicago, I don’t think I could have done a better job. Through this one big failure, a whole lot of littler failures were born: I watched as someone was bullied and did nothing. I let people treat me like shit and push me around. I accepted less than I deserve just so I wouldn’t have to spend one second alone with my own thoughts. I went out every single night. I drank to excess. I was hurtful and mindless. I let myself down in a big way for at least six months of 2009 and I paid a fucking steep price for it. Live and learn.

11. Did you suffer serious illness or injury? Severe ear infection leading to deafness, what was probably swine flu, at least one cold every two months, allergies, kidney infection, I was bitten on the arm on one occasion and strangled on another which resulted in a broken blood vessel in my eye. Oh, and cancer. TOTALLY FUN AND AWESOME.

12. What was your best purchase? My MacBook. How do I love thee? Let me count the ways!

13. Whose behaviour should be celebrated? ALL of my friends in Australia. ALL of my extended family. My mother, brother, godmother, adopted grandmother. The True Ladies. My girlfriends. My boyfriends. Everyone who’s cared about me, loved me and listened to me during this very strange time in my life. You’re so fantastic. Thankyou.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed? I usually pride myself on not ratting out even the rattiest rat-bastards in a public forum like this one, but this year has REALLY tested that resolution. Most of the rat-bastards I can’t even really be mad at because I knew they were mean/bullies/evil dictators/bears that can’t open jars when I met them, so the fact that they’d act that way shouldn’t have been a surprise. Lesson learned. There’s really only one person who’s behaviour has made me GENUINELY appalled and depressed this year, just because we’d been such good friends for so long & I expected a lot better from her. That said, I’m not sad about it anymore. It sucks but it’s over. Moving on.

15. Where did most of your money go in 2009? Rent and billz billz billz.

16. What did you get most excited about? I was always excited about SOMETHING in 2009.

17. What song will always remind you of 2009? Here is my playlist:
Help, I’m alive (Metric)
Sleepyhead (Passion Pit)
Kids (MGMT)
Case of the fake people (TLC)
I’m good, I’m gone (Lykke Li)
Slow show (The National)
Two weeks (Grizzly Bear)
You’ve got the love (Florence and the Machine)

18. Compared to last year, are you…
happier or sadder? Happier!
thinner or fatter? Thinner, even though I’ve gained ten pounds since summer.
richer or poorer? About the same?

19. What do you wish you’d done more of? Every year I’ve written “being young and fun” right here, but this is the first year that I’ve done it. Good for me! I think that in 2010 I’ll do more of the following: cooking, having people over, living in the here and now as opposed to ALLE’S DREAMLAND.

20. Done less of? Crying over people who aren’t worth it.

21. How will you spend Christmas? I spent it cooking, then at my godmother’s house with my family. I managed to go the entire dinner without saying anything wildly inappropriate, like “I have a total ladyboner for Sawyer.” Because that was Thanksgiving. I also wore my giant furry white vest. It was a fun day.

22. How will you spend New Year’s Eve? Due to a bleed the day before, my doctor told me to stay home and relax on New Years. But of course, Jamie and Charlotte couldn’t let me ring in 2010 by myself, so they came over with Henry and Curtis in tow and we drank champagne and listened to pop music all night long.

Jamie–on the left–woke us all up at 10am on New Years Day. I stumbled into the guestroom and announced to everyone “I woke up in the morning and I don’t feel nothin‘ like P.Diddy.” BECAUSE I DID NOT. We spent the next hour laughing together until our tummies hurt. Basically an amazing way to start 2010. <3

23. Did you fall in love this year? I fell in love with the world, with my life, with all of my friends. And don’t tell me that’s not love. It totally is.

24. Have any one night stands? According to the rumour mill, I sure did. But not in reality.

25. Best TV show? LOST. Gossip Girl. 30 Rock. And, um, Star Trek: TNG.

26. What was the best movie of 2009? Up. This movie let me know that I was still capable of having feelings. I have it on DVD now & I cry every time I watch it, even when it’s not a sad part because I know a sad part is coming. I’ve analysed it and figured out that it makes me cry so much because Carl loves Ellie so, so much and I’m afraid that nobody will ever love me like that. SPECIAL FEEEEEELINGS!

27. Best book you read? “Breath” by Tim Winton. Honourable mention goes to “The Stolen White Elephant” by Mark Twain.

28. Best music? “A ga-ay boy wished for a planet full of unicorns. Planet unicorn, Unicorn Planet. Give it up for Feathers! Ooh, Cadillac! And To-o-om Cruise! Ohhh, Planet Unicorn, HEYYYYYYYY.”

29. Do you hate anyone that you didn’t hate at this time last year? I don’t hate anyone, no matter how much they might deserve it. I dislike a whole scad of people I didn’t even know this time last year & I don’t have any time for them…but I don’t hate them. I just sort of feel sorry for them.

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you? I turned 25, holy shit I’m getting old! The day started out with Erika and vegan icecream, then I went to dinner with my family & then hit Flatiron with a handful of my nearest and dearest. There was some drama–isn’t there always?–but by and large it was an amazing night & I loved everything about it.

31. One thing that would have made 2009 more satisfying? I don’t know if I’d have been more satisfied, but having thicker skin would certainly have made 2009 easier to navigate.

32. What did you want and get? Freedom. Health and happiness. Friends who love me the same way that I love them. To feel comfortable with the kind of person I am. To feel less alone, less like an anomaly. For things to return to normal. For me to feel like myself again. Also, attention–though I ended up with so much of it that I felt really, really weird.

33. What did you want and not get? The only things I wanted and didn’t get were things that I shouldn’t actually have gotten. Thanks for looking out for me, Universe!

34. What was your fashion concept in 2009? Oscillated wildly. Summer daytime uniform was skinny jeans or jorts with beat-up flats or sequin Converse, my giant sunglasses and a deep V t-shirt from AA. Nighttime uniform was something short/low cut/sparkly with huge shoes and a boozy cackle. Winter uniform so far as been skinny jeans, boots, studs galore and black, black black–all covered by my big fur coat and a sparkly hat. And I go out in the same thing because it’s motherfucking COLD out. Basically I’m a crazy old lady trapped in the body of a young hipster.

35. What kept you sane? My highly rational Vulcan/robot brain, hah hah hah…ehhh. Actually I’m not sure WHAT kept me sane most of the year, because there was a sizable chunk of it where I had no friends, I was isolating myself from my family…I just had nothing and nobody. I was casually thinking about suicide & I totally acknowledge that things could have turned out so badly. I’m glad I pulled through with not only my sanity intact, but also my happy outlook on life.

36. What political issues stirred you the most? The murder of Dr. Tiller.

37. Who do you miss? Everyone in Australia.

38. Who is the best new person you met in 2009? I met some AMAZING people in 2009; hey Jamie, Berri, Brooke, Kyle & Harrison, Paul…But let’s talk about Erika Gomez. My BFFF (Best Fuckin’ Friend Forever). We met under some extremely trying circumstances but, like killing a troll, there are some things that you can’t go through without liking the other person afterwards. I trust her with my life. She’s the truest, most loyal Lady. I love her more than anything.

39. Best news story of the year? Zombie Pigs First, Then Hibernating GIs. Because I am nothing if not terrified-slash-weirdly prepared for the zombie apocalypse.

40. What’s a valuable life lesson you learned this year? People aren’t always what they seem, so be a discerning judge of character. Don’t give yourself away for nothing; if people want your confidence and intimacy, they have to earn it. And never trust a bear that can’t open a jar. Ever.

41. One song lyric that sums up 2009? Time after time, I think “Oh lord, what’s the use?” / Time after time, I think “It’s just no good.” / Cause sooner or later in life, the things you love you’ll lose. / But you’ve got the love I need to see me through. (Florence and the Machine, “You’ve got the love.”)

. . .

New year, new start! I’m pleased as punch to have rung in the new year–two thousand and START AGAIN!

Thanks for reading this blog. I know there are a million people out there who write more eloquently and about more interesting stuff than I do, and your support means everything to me. BIG KISSES!

Dear 2009…

(Image via Flickr)

Dear 2009,

You have been a horrible year. Absolutely, totally horrible. I said in around October or so that if the rest of the year was nothing but rainbows and puppies, you would still go down in history as the worst year of my life & I totally stand by that.

Recap: Family health crises, dumped via transatlatic phone call, leaving Australia again, heartsick, what was probably Swine Flu, sick for two months straight, went half deaf, party life begins to spiral out of control, bad decisions, low self esteem, rumors & scandal, sick again, mo’ money mo’ problems, batshit craziness, legal retainers, threats of physical violence, kidney infection, cyberbullying and relational aggression GALORE, sick again, trust issues, space issues, family dramz, CANCER–and that basically brings us to now.

To put it mildly, you’ve been challenging. But you know what else? All of these little ministories, each of which seemed totally insurmountable while I was living through it, can all be summed up the same way. Observe.

In 2009, I had cancer. I’m okay now.
In 2009, some people I trusted hurt me very badly. I’m okay now.
In 2009, I totally lost control of my life. I’m okay now.

See?

You have been nothing short of a grotesque, bloody fistfight, 2009. But it’s been worth it. Know why?

Because I came out ahead.

I learned some fucking horrible lessons this year, mostly about trusting other people. ALL of these lessons sucked outrageously and I wish that none of it ever happened. But since it has, I’m looking at it all as a kind of a test: after all, you never get hurt in places that are well defended. This was just the world’s way of telling me to toughen up my soft spots. And I did and I have, and I CHOOSE to only benefit from this in good ways going forward. You’re not going to make me mistrust the world, 2009. I won’t damage a single relationship because of you. I’m making changes, of course: For example, I’m going to let people earn my trust rather than giving it away immediately, because that’s the smart thing to do. But I’m not going to become hard or cynical. Ever.

It would be easy to dwell on the relationships I’ve lost to you, 2009, but I won’t. What’s more worthwhile is focusing on the amazing people I’ve met, grown closer to and kept in my life. I’ve got girlfriends who are amazing; mature, together ladies who are more supportive and incredible than I even thought was possible. And I’ve got boyfriends who protect me, who make me laugh, who just so happen to share a brain with me. I love all of these people more than anything has ever been loved, because only now do I fully appreciate how rare they really are.

You haven’t broken me down, 2009. You’ve only made me stronger. I’ve made it through and I am still sane, composed and positive. You haven’t made me cynical. You haven’t crushed my belief in love. All you’ve done is show me how horrible things can get, and how well I can come through them. In short, if I can handle you, I can handle anything.

So bring on 2010. I’m excited and I’m ready.

Loves you!

My Poor Brain

Okay, my attempt to return to some semblance of normalcy here has failed. But honestly, this week has been so insanely abnormal in every possible way that I’m considering it a total wash and will start again next week. NEXT WEEK: The thrilling conclusion to Alle’s Cancer Extravaganza! I’m sure you are all suitably thrilled.

What’s stopped me in life from getting things back to normal have included the weather, the company I keep and the same thing that’s stopped this blog from being back on track, my BRAIN.

Because let’s discuss that for a minute. My brain, sometimes, makes life ridiculously easy for me. Memorise thirty pages of text? Done. Read a book in a night? Done. Usually, my focus is pretty scattered because there are just so many things in the world to be interested in–and so many of them are shiny–but when I focus on one thing? Laserlike intensity!

But therein lies the rub: I can’t always choose what gets that kind of attention. And then this happens:

Me: Well, it’s 3am. Time to go to sleep.
Brain: No.
Me: No?
Brain: What you’re actually going to do is research squid anatomy.
Me: Why?
Brain: What if you need to draw a squid someday? Don’t you want it to be accurate?
Me: That makes perfect sense. To Wikipedia!

Which brings us to 3am, and I absolutely cannot go to sleep until I am confident that I know everything there is to know about squid anatomy. Because if I try, I will just lie in bed unable to sleep, thinking about SQUIDS. Which is about the unawesomest thing to think about before you go to sleep unless you love nightmares, because seriously, squids are pretty scary when you really get down to it.

Anyway. That’s what I’ve been doing rather than blogging about my life: drawing unicorns and researching squids. I know, same old excuse as ever. I’ll try to be more inventive.

Loves you!

Alle’s Guide To Getting Through A Colposcopy.

Eek! Once again, I’ve been a terrible, neglectful blogger and have left this to languish on the sidelines. I have a couple of excuses: one, that I was recovering from surgery and two, when I got home again, my internet was mysteriously gone and has only been fixed…well, about half an hour ago. Also I have a cold. UHHH-GAIN. My time has mostly been spent sleeping and blowing and nose and begging for someone to put me out of my misery. I know; I get diagnosed with cancer and I’m like “whuteverz” and then I get the flu and am all “OMG GOING TO DIE.” Totally appropriate response to the dramz.

Holy shit, I have So! Much! To talk about! Because so much has happened! I have to break it up, because otherwise this shit’s never going to happen. First, The Serious Shit, subcategory: Cancer.

Item one. Alle’s Guide To Getting Through A Colposcopy.

YOU WILL NEED:
- 800mg of ibuprofen, usually 3 or 4 tablets, more or less as your doctor advises.
- A pad, not a tampon–trust, you’re not going to want to stick anything up there for a while afterwards.
- A pep talk from a friend the day before. Hi, Charlotte!
- One Valium, two if your mother is picking fights with you the day of, as mine was and always does when she’s nervous.

First question, as typed into Google and which has brought at least three people to this blog: Who needs a colposcopy?
The answer is, more people than you’d think. A highly unscientific survey of twelve of my close friends showed that ten of them had had an irregular pap smear at some point in their life, and eight of that ten went on to have a colposcopy. And they are all still here with us (well, with me).

Second question, as typed into Google and which has brought at least five people to this blog: Do colposcopies hurt?
The answer is no with a but, the “but” being that pain is a really subjective experience. I know people who swear that pap smears hurt, that having their teeth cleaned hurts, that having their hair cut hurts (seriously). I also know people who step on glass and don’t notice, who get shots and don’t care and who fall asleep while getting tattooed. I fall into the latter category; as Dalton (RIP) said, pain don’t hurt. The skill of the doctor, I think, also plays a role in whether or not this is uncomfortable versus painful, and my doctor happens to be very gentle. What it feels like is a regular pap smear, and if the doctor needs to take a sample from an area, they’ll spray-numb it up and then it feels like a weird pinch. It’s not bad.

To summarise, a colposcopy is uncomfortable. If you don’t find pap smears painful, you probably won’t find this painful. Lots of variables, though. Minimise your discomfort by taking the ibuprofen and be as relaxed as possible (that’s where the Valium comes in).

After the fact, yes, it hurts a little. It feels like a period–crampy and ick–and your insides will feel a little numb, which is a totally bizarre feeling. You might bleed a little, but as long as it’s not a LOT, it’s okay. Stay off your feet for a day or so and rest, and let your body heal. If anything seems really weird–and you know your own body, so you know what I mean when I say “really weird”–call your doctor right away.

By the way, I think it bears mentioning that I’m not a medical professional in any way–duh–and that advice from your doctor should totally trump advice from some girl on the internet any day of the week. But I have lived through this, so while I may not be qualified to give you a shot and a lollipop myself, I’m certainly qualified to talk about my experiences with the whole thing.

OKAY. SO. That’s part one of The Serious Shit right here & I hope that it answered your questions. If you have any other questions, please send me an email or leave me a comment. I leave you now with a picture that is old, yes, but that makes me laugh every damn time I see it:

Loves you!

Special Feelings

Hi everyone, welcome to another superfun edition of The Adventures of Alle Malice: The life and time of a feral girl turned glamourpuss turned cancer patient!

Okay. That was overdramatic. But I kind of want to talk about that a little bit, because the whole question of How One Seems To Handle This versus How One REALLY Handles This has been a tough one for me to negotiate.

If there is one thing that I can handle, it is tragedy. In the face of disaster, I solidify. I have absolute certainty that I can handle it. So when my doctor said the word “cancer” to me, I had my fifteen-minute freakout and then I calmed right down. My mind cleared and I got ready to do what I had to do. That’s how I deal with things. It doesn’t mean that I’m not scared. It means that I’m mastering that fear and getting on with it.

The issue that I have is that I don’t know how to handle other people’s reactions to this. The word “cancer” conjures up images of chemo baldness and sickness and hospitals and cemetaries, because everyone has had someone in their life who’s had those experiences. Myself included. But that’s not what’s happening with me; I won’t even be in the hospital overnight for my surgery. The thing is that people don’t hear that right away, even when I say it clearly. They start to treat me differently, like a sick person or a dying person, and I hate that because I’m neither.

So I’ve basically been handling this as almost a joke, a light-hearted blip on my radar, no big deal darling; let’s talk about YOU. Because I can’t deal with more more pity-hug or one more tear-filled look, and I know it’s just because people love me but man, it sure makes it all harder. But if I make a joke about it, then everyone’s fine and because they see me being calm, they are calm. The converse, unfortunately, is also true. I’m setting the emotional baseline, so if I freak out…everyone will freak out.

That’s a problem, because I WANT to freak out sometimes. And I get scared. And I worry about the future, and I think about dying. And I struggle with feeling like damaged goods, like I’m so less than perfect now that no guy will ever want me. But I can’t talk to people about that because as soon as I say “I’m really afraid,” I see a look of panic creep into their eyes because if I’m scared, then they should be scared for me. And I don’t know how to handle that; balance needing to talk about what I’m afraid of with not terrifying my nearest and dearest.

Thus far I’ve handled it by talking about it in very small increments with lots of people; diffusing it, I guess. It’s worked and it hasn’t; it’s good to say things out loud, but I can’t really go into detail, so…fifteen percent success rate. I’m really not sure how to handle this going forward. I am so thankful for everyone who’s been worried about me and called me and texted and been sweet and supportive–this is not me saying that I want you to do more or be different, because I don’t. This is my stuff, my issues with emotional expression and giving an appropriate sense of drama to the entire thing. My friends and family have been wonderful. I’m just not sure how to keep them informed without worrying them.

I think this is the first time that I’ve written stuff down and not come to some conclusion by the end. I guess this is more complicated than I thought.

Loves you!