Proving myself

Everyone has someone that they need to prove themselves to. If I kept a list, it would encompass the girls who tortured me in high school, one particular Chemistry teacher, those who called me dumb and those who said that I’d never amount to anything, or at least not anything good. It’s not exactly mature, but this drive to show people that they were wrong is a hell of a motivator.

Like everyone who was picked on or made to feel scared, small, powerless, stupid, dorky, fat, ugly, pathetic, alone, etc, when they were small, I’ve kept a fantasy in my head that one day I’d have a moment of ultimate triumph. I’d arrive in a blaze of glory and order all the people who’ve hurt me to bow down before my magnificence. While this comes from a place of “You tried to convince me that I’m nothing, but LOOK AT ME NOW,” it’s built on negativity. It’s revenge-seeking. And that’s not an attitude that feels good to have.

I’ve been super lucky this week to be featured in a magazine. I’ve also started writing a column about my experiences as an Australian in America (you can read this week’s here) for PerthNow, and the response has been HUGE and amazingly positive. That said, when I was pitched the column, I had a lot of worries about writing for a publication that would run in my hometown. Yes, that’s where my dad and my best friends are…but that’s also where the people who were dreadful to me live. What if I still wasn’t good enough? What if, despite how far I’ve come and everything I’ve accomplished in my life, they still looked at me and thought “Yep, she’s garbage”?

What if I proved them right?

But. Because I have an awesome team on my side, and because this isn’t exactly my first time writing words, it’s been wonderful. I am riding high on a magical wave of happiness and good feedback. The amount of attention I’ve gotten has been a little overwhelming, but if I have to be overwhelmed with something, I’m glad it’s support and love.

Which brings me back to proving myself. Here I am, all over my hometown, staring out the pages of a magazine at the teacher who told my mother that I’d probably murder someone someday, at the girls who would call me a slut as I walked past them at lunch or threaten me after school. Here I am, writing about my amazing life, and working towards my triumphal march through the city. I thought this would feel incredible.

And it does. Just not in the way that I thought.

I thought that once I’d crossed some line of success, I’d be a different person. Maybe a better person, or at least a person who’s never been hurt. But I’ve realised that there’s never going to be anything that I can do, earn or achieve that will force me to lay all this painful stuff down. There is no line. What I want can’t be given to me; I have to do it myself.

I’ve been trying to switch my attitude. It’s not easy; I’ll probably always hear criticism louder than praise and be tempted to believe the worst about myself. But it’s not about proving the people who hated or doubted me WRONG anymore. It’s about showing that everyone who believed in me, who knew I could be better and who gave me a chance were RIGHT.

The best revenge isn’t just a well-lived, fabulous life. It’s not wanting or needing to get even anymore because you know–really KNOW–that you’re great, and that everything is alright.

And YOU, my lovely readers, have always bet on me. Thankyou for that. It means so much.

Wind It Up: Ten things I love about life in the third week of January

To say that last week was nuts would be an understatement. To say that THIS week was nuts would be an even BIGGER understatement. You can have everything under control, and then BAM, you’re trying to schedule a photoshoot on a day’s notice. Life is so wacky and wonderful, and I’m trying really hard to go with the flow. But oh man.

Anyway. I missed it last week, but I’m not missing it this week. It’s time to get happy!

• I’m a STAAAAR, I’m on TOP! If you live in Western Australia, get your hands on this weekend’s Sunday Times. There’s a big feature about yours truly in the STM, talking all about my awesome ex-pat life. Marvel at my ability to lean against walls in weather-inappropriate dresses and string sentences together!

Ten million thankyous to Emily Austria and Isaiah Tweed, my creative team, who came out on a freezing balls day to take pictures of me and tell me to brush my hair. They are champions beyond reckoning. Now, SOME-BO-DY BRING ME SOME HAAAAAAAM!
• For a relaxing time… I don’t have a lot of time to myself, and sometimes that catches up to me. Yesterday I overslept by three hours, somehow managing to ignore both my alarms and four increasingly hysterical phone calls. I wasn’t mad at myself, I was mostly impressed. But it is a reminder that I haven’t yet evolved past my need for sleep, and taking care of myself is just as important as getting things done.
• What, were you raised by wolves? This comic by Vera Bee is amazing.
  You should definitely read it (or not really, it has no words) if you have five minutes.
• Weirdo magnet. It’s long been an established fact that, when left alone, I attract wackadoo loony people. This week I was hit on by someone who, though seeming normal, claimed to have met six species of alien, travelled through wormholes, could disprove evolution and was able to do calculus in his sleep. Amazing, right? He was cute, but not cute enough for me to overlook his tenuous grasp on both reality and science. Another hilarious story for the vault.
• Iris Apfel for MAC.
  As well as being a boss bitch of the first order, Iris’ MAC makeup collection is totally awesome. I’m really loving the neon-bright lipsticks, especially Party Parrot & Pink Pigeon.
• Fleece-lined tights. YOU GUYS, these are my ultimate cold weather secret weapon. They’re like wearing a delicious warm fuzzy blanket on your legs at all times. Utterly magical. The only problem is that they only seem to come in basic colours like black and navy blue. Snore. Hey, We Love Colors, are you paying attention? UNTAPPED MARKET!
• ALL CAPS. Sometimes you just have to write in them. The occasional email that says “WHAT THE CRAP I CAN’T EVEN” is fun to send, and very therapeutic. Bonus points if you really mash the keyboard when you type.
• FINALLY! Can you say RuPaul’s Drag Race, season 4?
  I feel like I’ve been waiting A MILLION YEARS for this show to come back, and on January 30th, all my dreams come true. When the cast was announced, I definitely started freaking out because Miss DiDa Ritz is a friend of mine. If the rest of the queens are half as beautiful and talented as DiDa, it’s going to be a hell of a season. START YOUR ENGINES.
• Happy birthday, Michael Davis. It’s my favourite person’s birthday today, and although I would like nothing better than to bring him birthday orange juice, he is Home and I am here. But still, it’s a day of celebration because I honestly don’t know what I’d do if he hadn’t been born. Happy birthday, Watson. This is for you, again:

• Sherlock, OH GOD. Okay, full disclosure: This did not, strictly speaking, make me happy. This entire season, my friends and I have been looking at each other and saying “Reichenbach is coming” like someone from Winterfell who’s really, really obsessed with TV. The Reichenbach Fall, which aired on Sunday, made me cry so hard that I got a headache. I am not a crier; half the time I’m not even sure that I have normal emotions. But this made me have feelings. All of them. At once.
  Just thinking about it makes me want to slowly collapse in a heap. Traumatising.
  It was a wonderful episode, both of the show itself and of TV in general. I’ve been a fan of Holmes and Watson since I was very young, and I didn’t think I could like the characters any more than I already did. The fact that I’ve gotten more invested in them through this show (rather than cross at all the things wrong, cough RDJ, cough) is the mark of great, rather than merely good, TV. I’m not even mad that we have to wait a year for season 3, because Benedict Cumberbatch is going to be in The Hobbit AND Star Trek 2. Be still, my extremely nerdy beating heart!
  And then excuse me while I swoon my head off.

…

And that’s been my week. I can’t believe how much has happened and how much has changed in just seven days. Who knows what’s going to happen in the next seven? Maybe this time next week I’ll we writing from Buckingham Palace where I’m drinking gin with the Queen! THERE’S NO WAY TO KNOW!

Ask Alle: What not to wear

It occurs to me that I really need to take some new pictures. This hair is so two years ago.

Alle Malice has a B.A. in Psychology, which is basically a degree in seeing through other people’s bullshit. She also has a B.A. in English, but that’s not really relevant. Though she does not pretend to have it all figured out, she does have enough figured out to be helpful. Please send all questions to thealle@gmail.com or submit them anonymously via Formspring.

My boyfriend and I have been together for two years, and it’s been great. We met in college, he’s sweet and loves me, he’s been there for me through everything, we have a great sex life, he’s the one I want to be with. There’s one thing though and I don’t know what to do about it: He’s started criticizing the way I dress. I don’t dress like a slut, but if I wear a dress that’s above my knee he’ll ask why I’m wearing something so slutty. Same thing with v-neck shirts, if I show any of my chest he asks why my tits are on display. Then he won’t stop talking about it and it makes me feel like I’ve done something wrong. I feel like the only thing I can wear is jeans and a turtleneck or he’ll make mean comments. I don’t want to lose him, but I like how I dress and I don’t want him to keep doing this. What can I do?

Dear lovely person,

Full disclosure: I had a really hard time with this question, because my initial reaction was “HE’S AN ASSHOLE! DUMP! DUMP! DUMP!” Which is what I would do, invested as I am in both my wardrobe and doing whatever the hell I want. But I strive to be even-handed in my advice, and you say that you don’t want to lose him, so okay.

First of all, I’m working off the assumption that what you’ve written is 100% true: That this guy really is great in all other respects EXCEPT that he belittles what you wear, and that you don’t dress in an overly provocative fashion (and even if you did, I still have a hard time justifying his behaviour). AT BEST, this guy sounds really insecure. He doesn’t want you appearing the least bit sexy to the rest of the world, possibly because he doesn’t want other guys looking at you/talking to you/trying to steal you away. You can’t have a relationship without trust, and if he can’t trust you to wear a knee-length dress and not run off with another dude, something is super wrong. Insecurity always stems from fear, and in this case it sounds like he’s afraid of losing you. However, there are better ways to deal with that fear than by weaponising it and using it against the person you love.

That’s the best case scenario. AT WORST, this guy is a controlling asshole. The thing about controlling assholes is that they start off small–say by telling you that your dress is “slutty” so that you feel bad and won’t wear it–and build over time. Eventually you’re not wearing anything except what he approves of. This isn’t just shitty, it’s potentially dangerous. Controlling and manipulative (and yes, even abusive) behaviour is often easy to rationalise away because nobody wants to think something so awful about someone they love, but you can’t let love blind you.

Best case or worst case, one thing is for sure: THIS IS NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If you like the way you dress, if your job is okay with it and if you’re not showing up on People of Wal-Mart on your days off, then you’re fine. What you wear is not an excuse for anyone, even a boyfriend, to call you names or make you feel bad. Keep that in mind when you go into the conversation I’m about to tell you to have.

(Again: This is the advice I’m giving under the assumption that this guy is a prince except for this one recently developed fault, and the questioner wants to stop him doing something unkind. If this is not the case, or if this sounds too familiar and you need help, contact The National Domestic Violence Hotline or call 1-800-799-7233 (SAFE). If you’re not in the US, there’s an international directory of domestic violence agencies here. Abuse in any form is not okay, ever, and I want you to be safe & know there is help available.)

I feel like so much of my advice boils down to “Talk about it! Talk about it with words!” but seriously, you do need to talk about it. Open it up with something like “I notice that you’ve been really concerned with what I’m wearing lately. You’ve never commented on this before, so what’s going on?” Listen to what he has to say, but stick to your guns. Address his fears rationally but kindly, state what you’re going to do and then tell him what you need. Not want. NEED. For example “You’re worried about other guys finding me sexy. I love you and I’m in a relationship with you, so what other men think doesn’t matter to me. I like the way I dress, and I need you to stop making comments about my clothes.”

The thing about this conversation is that it should be an ‘only once’ kind of talk. It’s not the sort of discussion you want to have every time you leave the house. If he continues to be mean, I would respond to his disparagement with “I’ve asked you not to make comments like that. I like what I’m wearing,” and leave it at that. If he keeps trying to fight with you or persuade you that you’re wrong, walk away. Don’t get drawn into a fight about hemlines or v-necks.

And if, after all this, he doesn’t stop trying to control what you wear, dump him. It will suck, but the alternative–a life spent with someone who puts you down all the time unless you do what he wants–sucks more. It doesn’t matter that he’s been there for you through everything. There are other guys out there who will be there for you, have great sex with you and WON’T make you feel like shit because you don’t wear burlap sacks they’re insecure.

In closing, an anecdote from my own romantic life: I once dated a guy who was really troubled by the fact that I ONCE went to his apartment wearing non-matching socks, which he saw when I took off my wet boots. So disturbed was he that when I met his friends, they would say “Oh, the girl with the socks.” This should have been my first clue that we wouldn’t exactly be registering for china together, but he was hot and made me feel smart, so we kept dating. When we broke up, it wasn’t specifically because of my socks, but I could tell that it didn’t help. Thus endeth the first (and last) time that any dude has tried to change the way I dress. Now I’m strictly a “Love me, love my giant white fur vest” kind of girl.

Good luck.

Wind It Up: Ten things I love about life (in the first week of January)

It’s the end of the week as we know it! How have the first six days of the new year treated you so far? Me, I’m pretty pleased with how things are moving along, even though I’ve been very sick. Tis the season.

And now it’s time to…

• My ukulele. Early this week I mentioned the one-two punch of a high fever and lots of cold medicine that resulted in the weirdest Amazon purchase of all time: a ukulele. It arrived, and I’ve been teaching myself how to play (because what else am I going to do with it, you know?). I know that the ukulele is about the easiest instrument to play, but I’ve still been surprising myself at how quickly I’ve picked it up. All those years of piano and dance might have taught me something about music after all. Plus, this has been happening to my fingers a lot:
  I secretly kind of like it. Makes me feel like I’m accomplishing something.
• My nails. This is a bit of a ukulele follow-up: Do you know how many people told me that I wouldn’t be able to play it, or any stringed instrument, with long nails? OH MY GOD SO MANY. And do you know how much of an impediment I’ve found them so far? NONE. What I’ve learned from this is that people will tell you certain things are impossible if it flies in the face of what they know, or if it’s different than the way they know how to do it. Don’t listen. Try it your own way and see how you do.
• TV. I’m always happy about tv because it’s absolutely my medium of choice, but this week marks the midseason return of some of my favourites. The Vampire Diaries & Revenge have come charging back out of the gate, while The Secret Circle remains the show I most enjoy tweeting about.
  If you’d like to twitter along with us, we’d love to have you next Thursday. It’s like a coffeeklatch, except with more sexual innuendos.
• The Incredible True Story of the Collarbomb Heist. I read this story a few weeks ago but forgot to include it, and I realise it may not be everyone’s cup of tea. But if you like true crime stories with a touch of the bizarre, this is the piece for you. I find it fascinating.
• Nerdy obsessions/ladyboner combination. On the long, long list of things that I’m obsessed with, there are three that stand out for their stereotypically geeky nature: Lord of the Rings, Star Trek and Sherlock Holmes. Obviously I’ve been watching/loving the excellent BBC series Sherlock, and was psyched to hear that Benedict Cumberbatch (Sherlock) would be playing Smaug in the upcoming Hobbit movie. Now I also hear that he’s going to be in the new Star Trek movie. Throw in the fact that he is a TOTAL BABE…
  …and you’ve got my dream man. I’m not shy at expressing my appreciation for fine gentlemen, especially when they’re shirtless in Buckingham Palace, so Benedict! Call me!
• Old Rags. A fashion history tumblr that I found recently and I am IN LOVE with. I love seeing the ways that fashion and what was “appropriate” for ladies to be seen in has changed through the ages, as well as how present-day style is influenced by the past. Plus, there are sequins. HISTORICAL sequins.
• Snow no! It snowed briefly here on Tuesday, was beautiful, magical, etc. and now we’re back to fifty degrees. In January. In Chicago. This is beyond an anomaly, but I love it. I don’t know who sold their soul to what deity, but whoever you are, I want to buy you a drink.
• Unexpected colour combinations. According to fashion, 2011 was The Year of Colourblocking.
  I’m glad that the antibiotic I’m taking is so on-trend.
• New projects. New year, new opportunities. I’m so excited to do more of what I love, rather than just what I’m good at.
• This story. It doesn’t make me happy exactly, but it does make me smile. And then feel a little upset that there isn’t a painting out there that I hate (love?) enough to rub my butt on and attempt to pee all over.

…

How was your week? Did you make any resolutions? If you had to rub your butt on a famous work of art, which would it be? INQUIRING MINDS!

The Year in Review: 2011

Happy New Year! The holidays have come and gone, and now there’s a shiny 2012 just waiting for us to unwrap. Are you excited? I’m excited. But before I get TOO excited, let’s look back at The Year That Was, shall we?

2011 was weird. On paper, it looks like it was a horrible year…but honestly, it didn’t FEEL that bad. So I guess that’s something. Anyway, let’s make with the retrospective! 2011: The Year in Review.

1. What’s something you did in 2011 that you’d never done before?

Hold on to your hats, guys, because this was nothing if not a Year Of Firsts. This year I: Filmed for CNN and Korean television. Made a snow angel (and the video to match it). Woke up at 4am in order to watch the wedding of two people I DON’T EVEN KNOW. Beat up a mugger. Had several stress tests. Got involved in an “editorial dispute” at a paper that, though a series of events waaaay to bizarre to relate here, led to the greatest adventure of my life. Became a card-carrying (okay, laminate-carrying) good guy. Found out firsthand what institutionalised sexism looks like. Flew in a private plane. Fired guns, plural. Was almost shot. Went to Virginia and made the holy mother of pro/con lists. Threw cupcakes out of the window of a moving car, because why not. Got in a car accident. Went through three months of physical therapy involving people I don’t know very well touching me, and I hardly freaked out at all. Changed my hair. Developed upper body strength. Had an MRI. Cracked some ribs. Cracked something else. Tried to keep it together, and actually did okay.

2. Did you keep your new years resolutions, and will you make more?

Last year I wrote: In 2011 I think I should a little more mindful of love–love tends to be something that has to drag me kicking and screaming from one place to another, so I think this year I will be a little more relaxed about it.

I also hereby resolve to be less rigid and take more risks. I will take things as they come in 2011 rather than needing a plan at all times and freaking out if I don’t have one.

2011 was not a banner year for love. I was so busy and isolated that I didn’t really have time to date, let alone fall in love, and honestly I didn’t really want to. I don’t want a relationship right now, I’m not ready for one, and I’d probably be terrible to/for any dude who DID want one (500 Days of Summer-style). So, there’s that.

On the risk-taking front, I think I did okay at that. I took some pretty big risks and lived to see another day. Where I really excelled was on the take-things-as-they-come front. Gone are the days of a meltdown because I don’t have enough time to properly pack a suitcase; now I can throw my life into a bag and get to the airport on four hour’s notice. I never thought that I could be a flexible person, but now I realise that all I needed was a serious push.

In 2012, I’d like to at least be ready for a relationship. I will continue working out (five days a week, I CAN DO IT!), I will settle myself in a new place and ready myself for adult life. I will be the best friend, daughter and Auntie Alle that I can. And I will put this year, and everything that’s happened, behind me.

I’d also like to learn to play the ukulele which I bought in a fever-induced fugue state on Christmas night.

3. Did anyone close to you give birth?

Stephanie and Adam had Julian. Pami and Florian had Liliane. You guys make adorable babies. And I also found out about a baby due in 2012…Jen and James are having a little bub of their own, YAY!

4. Did anyone close to you die?

A friend committed suicide. I should have reached out to him more, and the fact that I didn’t cuts me up inside.

5. Did anyone close to you get married?

TL Amanda and her handsome man, Kyle. Blake and Christie. Becca and her husband. Mary, my roommate from college. Morgana snuck in there too. And Tasia eloped. Congratulations, you guys.

6. How many countries did you visit?

Two. O, Canada. You were very cold.

7. What would you like to have in 2012 that you lacked in 11?

Every year I make a plea for STABILITY, but this year I found that there was quite a lot of stability within the chaos that surrounded me at all times. How’s that for a zen koan? Anyway, in 2012 I think I’d like to have a bit more of the normal kind of stability, not the chaos-kind. Though wanting anything normal seems pretty far-fetched for me.

8. Is there a date from 2011 that will remain etched in your memory and why?

August 6th, the day I was hurt in a car accident. It’s etched in there because I have had to write it about a million times on a million forms.

9. What was your greatest success?

My greatest success involves a pending trial, so I really can’t get into it. But it’s pretty great.

10. What was your greatest failure?

I’ve pretty consistently failed at stuff with my brother; getting him help, or making anyone else help him. I know that I’ve done what I can and you can’t FORCE someone to do things, but it’s still a failure and it still sucks.

11. Did you suffer serious illness or injury?

Heart problems, car accident, possible brain injury (turned out to be a false alarm, but it was still a worrying couple of weeks) and broken ribs. Plus I have strep now, which isn’t really that bad, but still.

12. What was your best purchase?

I bought a lot of dresses this year, which I’m pleased about. But I think my best purchase was some hair, some pink dye, some weave thread and some clips…for with that, Unicorn Weaves were born.

13. Whose behaviour should be celebrated?

Let’s give three big-ass cheers for Michael Davis. He went through a major breakup and came out the other side as a happier, healthier person (I didn’t think it was possible for him to be happier, but it was). He and I abandoned our mocking-joking-picking teenage friendship this year and became mature adults who talk about serious things and demonstrably care about one another. He’s been a rock for me, the Watson to my Sherlock, and one of the few people I can confide in about Things. Even when he makes me his defacto long-distance GPS system. A lot of people seen to think that men and women can’t be friends–I myself may have cast aspersions on it last year, but I was bitter–but Michael and I are living proof that they can. And I’m so glad.

14. Whose behaviour made you appalled and depressed?

My brother.

15. Where did most of your money go in 2011?

A large chunk of it was spent changing my hair from black to my natural dark blonde. It’s kind of funny that I spent so much time and money making my hair into what it would be like if I never coloured it, but nevermind. I love my low-maintenance blonde! Am I the first person ever to say that?

16. What did you get most excited about?

On Halloween, I was standing in the kitchen of Debonair with my friends while they got ready for their show. It was freezing cold and Charlotte and I were huddled over by a pizza oven while trying not to kick over a bucket of dirty mopwater. And I thought, I’m out with my friends, this is fantastic. I couldn’t have been happier or more excited about that moment.

Oh, how my standards have changed…

17. What song will always remind you of 2011?

Super Bass, for various (and hilarious) reasons.

18. Compared to last year, are you…

Happier or sadder? Sadder in the world-weary sense, happier because I know I’m Doing Good.

Thinner or fatter? I weigh exactly the same as I did this time last year, but I take up less space. Muscle is weird.

Richer or poorer? Eh.

19. What do you wish you’d done more of?

A couple of years ago I wished I’d gone out LESS. This year I say that I wish I’d gone out MORE. It’s harder than you think to go out EXACTLY THE RIGHT AMOUNT. However, I did drink 75% less in 2011. Maybe even 90% less. Go me?

20. Done less of?

I liked everyone at my physical therapy very, very much…but having to go through more than three months of excruciating pain, general discomfort and full fathoms five freakouts was something I could have done without.

21. How will you spend Christmas?

I spent Christmas sick with strep, high out of my mind on medicine, at my Godmother’s house where I ate a lot of cranberry sauce. Then I came home, fell asleep for four hours and (remember that fugue state I mentioned?) woke up long enough to go on Amazon and buy a ukulele. It was the best Christmas ever.

22. How will you spend New Year’s Eve?

I was/am still getting over strep, so I was at home by myself watching Twilight Zone and wearing really ugly pants. NYE is overrated to me; it’s the night where the people too chickenshit to wear sequins all year round feel obligated to bust out a sparkly dress. Amateurs.

23. Did you fall in love this year?

Only with myself.

24. Have any one night stands?

I really do need to come up with a concrete operational definition of “one night stand” otherwise I’m going to continue to lie/weasel my way around this question every year. Like I have right now. Except that I didn’t have any, and thus have no reason to weasel? This is weird.

25. Best TV show?

Here’s where you all learn how much I honestly love tv.

Best new serious show: Homeland.
Best new trashy show: Revenge.
Best show to tweet about: Secret Circle.
Best show involving vampires, dopplegangers & good writing: The Vampire Diaries.
Best show in this or any universe: Fringe.
Best show that I constantly force friends to watch: 30 Rock.
Best show I can’t believe I haven’t been watching this whole time: Breaking Bad.
Best show, possibly ever: Downton Abbey.
Best show that nobody else watched: The Hour.
Best show with the biggest broadswords: Game of Thrones.
Best show starring biggest babe/possible soulmate: Sherlock (Benedict Cumberbatch, BE MINE).
Worst season of previously good show: Dexter.

26. What was the best movie of 2011?

I know it’s probably very cliche, but I did love The King’s Speech. Bridesmaids, Hanna & Drive deserve honourable mentions (now I get Ryan Gosling). I also sat through Dirty Dancing for the first time; now I get Patrick Swayze, too, but alas, too late.

27. Best book you read?

I read a lot this year, like every year. I really liked The Marriage Plot, Winter’s Tale, A visit from the Goon Squad and IQ84. The Sisters, which is a biography of the Mitford sisters, was also really interesting. But I think you already have to be a bit interested in them to like it.

28. Best music?

Ugh, I can’t even pick. Bon Iver? Nicki Minaj? Florence and the Machine? Antlers? I don’t know, give ‘em all a Grammy.

29. Do you hate anyone that you didn’t hate at this time last year?

Who hates anyone anymore? I have people I’ll never work with again and people I won’t hang out with socially, but hate? Bad for the complexion.

30. What did you do on your birthday and how old were you?

I turned 27 on September 11th, the ten-year anniversary of 9-11. It was an odd day in that everything seemed unusually subdued. It was also much warmer than I thought it would be, and I sat outside for lunch with my Mum and Godmother. Later I saw my Wondertwin and we had cake & watched True Blood.

31. One thing that would have made 2011 more satisfying?

Who even knows. An end in sight, I guess.

32. What did you want and get?

I think at some point I may have thought to myself “I’m so bored. I wish something exciting would happen.” And then TOO MUCH EXCITEMENT. So I should be careful what I wish for.

33. What did you want and not get?

I wanted to be ringing in the New Year in Perth, but I’m still in Chicago. So.

34. What was your fashion concept in 2011?

Last year, I wrote: I aim to go full-on Auntie Mame eccentric this year, so bring on the turbans and the kimonos and the furs! I’m ready! And I was ready. That was exactly my concept this year, and I pulled it off beautifully. In 2012 I aim to continue wearing clothes that fit, are seasonally appropriate, and most importantly aren’t all black all the time. I think I’m going to streamline things a little bit; Auntie Mame meets Holly Golightly, maybe?

35. What kept you sane?

Having a really grounded liaison/partner.

36. What political issue stirred you the most?

The Occupy protests. I couldn’t attend any of them or oh, the trouble I’d get in! But my heart and sympathies were out there. This really has become a country run by terrible principles and things do need to change. Telling people to buck up isn’t enough anymore, it’s obvious that it isn’t, and anyone who thinks otherwise needs to open their eyes.

Also, no woman can overlook the batshit crazy loons trying to take away our reproductive rights.

37. Who do you miss?

Everyone, all the time.

38. Who is the best new person you met in 2011?

Shoutout to that exceptionally grounded partner/liaison I mentioned. Couldn’t/wouldn’t have done any of this without you.

39. Best news story of the year?

Does anyone else feel like 2011 was shrouded in mist? I know that I read the news…but I can hardly remember a thing that happened ALL year. I’m going to go ahead and blame a wizard, and then “WIZARD STEALS 2011″ can be the best news story.

Also, I think we can all agree that this was the best video:

40. What’s a valuable life lesson you learned this year?

“You can’t help someone who doesn’t want to be helped” is an oldie but a goodie. Might have to get that tattooed on my forehead, or possibly on the foreheads of others so that I’m reminded whenever I look at them.

41. One song lyric that sums up 2010?

All the girls will commend as long as they understand,

That I’m fighting for the girls that never thought they could win.

Nicky Minaj is a boss bitch, basically. And I’m the best.

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I hope this is a beautiful year for you guys. I’ve got a pretty good feeling about it already.

I made you a mixtape: We.

Oh yeah, it’s time for the last of the awesome playlists! Today’s theme is “We.” Aww, see what I did there? It’s because I love us.

Click HERE or on the picture to listen; as always, the track listing is underneath. Enjoy!

• We both go down together — The Decemberists.
• Nothing matters when we’re dancing — The Magnetic Fields. (I’ve been really loving them lately, is it obvious?)
• We are the people — Empire of the Sun.
• We’re a happy family — The Ramones.
• Just like we — Hot Chip.
• We’re going to be friends — The White Stripes.
• All we ask — Grizzly Bear.
• Just like we do — Eisley.
• Baby, we’ll be fine – The National.
• We’re an American band — Grand Funk Railroad.
• We R who we R — Ke$ha.
• So here we are — Bloc Party.
• How far have we really come? — Powderfinger.
• We suck young blood (your time is up) — Radiohead.
• We laugh indoors — Death Cab for Cutie.
• We are here — Au Revoir Simone.
• We will become silhouettes — The Postal Service.
• We are nowhere and it’s now — Bright Eyes.
• We carry on — Portishead.
• We used to wait — Arcade Fire.
• We care — MGMT.
• We don’t care — MGMT. (I thought this looked funny next to each other)
• The world we live in — The Killers.
• We luv dez hoez — Outkast.

I had planned to write a list of things that made me happy this week, but after yesterday I realise that it boils down to one very simple thing: That right now, right at this second, I am not having another cranial MRI. MRIs are probably not scary at all to most people, but when you are claustrophobic (and I am!) they are an unholy nightmare. I spent an hour stuffed in a tiny tube with horrible plastic headgear all over me, trying to breathe normally & not have a panic attack. I cried the entire time. But I got through it, maybe not with any of my dignity intact, but through it all the same. I still feel shaky and like I want to throw up, but that may be the contrast dye. So basically: I’m glad that’s over, and I’m never doing it again.

What about you guys? Any fun stories from The Week That Was? How about some awesome MRI stories?

I made you a mixtape: You.

It’s Wednesday, and you know what that means…another awesome playlist! Today’s theme is YOU. That’s right: irreplaceable, embraceable you. You’re so special to me, you know? Of course you do, you always understand.

Wow, so many “you” sentences. And I’m just getting started! CLICK HERE or on the picture below to listen to “You.” As always, track listing is underneath. I know how you hate surprises.

• Part of your world – The Little Mermaid.
• You & I — Lady Gaga. (I think I like this song because of my residual 90′s love of Shania Twain)
• No-one will ever love you — The Magnetic Fields.
• Only you — Portishead.
• Pictures of you — The Cure.
• On your way — The Album Leaf.
• You came to me — Beach House.
• Every you, every me — Placebo.
• Are you gonna be my girl — JET.
• Can’t take my eyes off of you — Lauryn Hill.
• Do you realise?? — The Flaming Lips.
• You make me like charity — The Knife.
• Without you — Empire of the Sun.
• While you wait for the others — Grizzly Bear.
• I’ll be seeing you — Frank Sinatra.
• You know what I mean — Cults.
• Are you the one — The Presets.
• Only you can make you happy — Au Revoir Simone.
• Oh, I buried you today — The Raveonettes.
• A case of you — Joni Mitchell.
• (Baby I’ve got you) on my mind — Powderfinger.
• You’re my best friend — Queen.
• You don’t scare me — Josh Pyke.
• Take you on a cruise — Interpol.
• Miss you love — Silverchair.
• If you see me — The Black Keys.
• You know you’re right — Nirvana.
• Now that you’ve got it — Gwen Stefani.
• You can do better than me — Death Cab for Cutie.

I hope this makes your week even more fantastic! Right now I’m psyching myself up; I have an MRI on Thursday and have I ever mentioned how much I HATE small, enclosed spaces? Because I really do!

I’m sure everything will be fine. Friday will bring the last in this playlist series, and maybe also a very short list of happy things. Not because I’m unhappy, just because of space and laziness.

I made you a mixtape: I

It’s been a minute since I made you a playlist, hasn’t it? So get ready for three of them this week! Who loves ya, baby? (The answer, of course, is always ME)

Today’s theme is “I,” meaning that all the songs are about me. Or maybe the mythic narrator. Or maybe they’re about you–would that make you SO VAIN? Better get to the bottom of this; click HERE or on the picture to listen & check out the track list below.

• I’m in love with my car — Queen.
• I’ll keep it with mine — Nico.
• I don’t want to get over you — The Magnetic Fields.
• I don’t want to wait — Paula Cole. (And also, OBVIOUSLY)
• If I could turn back time — Cher.
• I’m a broken heart — The Bird and the Bee.
• I’m a believer — The Monkees. (A companion piece for ‘I don’t want to wait’)
• I’m waiting for the man — David Bowie.
• You know I’m no good — Amy Winehouse.
• You know what I mean — Cults.
• How could I forget — The Faint.
• So have I for you — Nikka Costa.
• I just don’t know what to do with myself — The White Stripes.
• I wasn’t prepared — Eisley.
• No I in threesome – Interpol.
• I wanna be sedated — The Ramones.
• If I know you — The Presets.
• Oops!…I did it again — Britney Spears.
• If I ever feel better — Phoenix.
• All I see — Kylie Minogue.
• I don’t want love — The Antlers.
• I need all the friends I can get — Camera Obscura.
• I’m on fire — Chromatics.
• Horse and I — Bat for Lashes.
• I don’t like Mondays — The Boomtown Rats.
• I know — Save Ferris.
• I want to — Best Coast.
• I got mine — The Black Keys.
• I’m your captain — Grand Funk Railroad.

Hope you’re having a fantastic Monday. See you again on Wednesday for another themed playlist!

Wind It Up: Ten things I love about life (in the first week of December)

Wooh. Rough week. It’s times like these I really need reminding of happy things! So…

• My new boots. For someone who hates cold weather as much as I do, I really love boots. I especially love Frye boots because they’re well made, keep your feet warm and dry in the most revolting of winters and look awesome. And these are my new babies:Swoon! They’re the Frye Rogan, and I couldn’t love them more if they were human children. The best thing about them is that you can wear them in different ways: Up (showing off the backs of the studs), down (showing off the studs themselves), and my personal favourite, half up and half down aka: “The orphan hobo.” Speaking of winter…
• No snow. It’s the 9th of December and there’s been no snow in Chicago. It’s also not freezing balls cold. I like it. Redacted! It snowed last night AND is presently freezing balls cold. Clearly I tempted fate too much by writing this.
• Decorating. Christmas is the one time of year when it’s not only acceptable but encouraged to drape sparkly shit all over your home. You best believe that I make the most of it.
• This song.

  I started singing it on Monday and I’m still singing it because it’s catchy and fantastic. The lyrics knock me out every time.

• Bee. I’m lucky to have a lot of amazing close friends, but Jenny Bee is special. If I was sacrificed by a band, then came back to life possessed by a demon and had to eat men to survive, Bee is the person I’d confide in. She’d be all “Okay, well you have to eat. Let’s get you some boys!” rather than trying to kill me. (When I told her this, she said “That’s true, I would do that. By the way, have you slept at all recently?”) I’ve had to depend on her a lot recently and she’s never once shut me down. I don’t have a sister, but because of Jenny I know what it feels like.
• Gucci II.
  I spray it all around my bedroom and it makes everything smell delicious. Never underestimate the ability of a beautifully scented space to make really hard work easier, or bad dreams less horrible.
• Homeland & Revenge. You know how much I love tv, and these are my favourite new shows this season. Homeland is beautifully written with an amazing cast, elegantly thrilling and dramatic. Revenge is pulpy and soapy, just on the right side of camp at times, which I mean in the best way. Are you watching them? Can we talk about our feelings?
• Presents!  Yes, it’s true that I love getting presents. But I love GIVING presents even more, and this week I’ve been doing all my shopping. It’s going to be all I can do not to hand them over the second they arrive.
• A wizard did it. It’s been a bit of an Wizard of Oz-like year for me. First the cardiologist confirmed that I had a heart. Then work showed me that I had lots of courage. And on Wednesday a neurologist told me I had a brain (though I have an MRI next week, just to be sure). So it follows that I should be able to click my heels and end up in Perth. There’s no place like home! Think of the airfare I’ll save…
• Give that penis a sandwich. I’ve got tickets to see Kevin Smith in April in my hometown, and I kind of can’t wait. If that’s not something to be happy about I don’t know what is. Jay and Silent Bob will be getting old right in front of me!

And that’s me. What’s been making you happy this week?

Letting Go: How to cut ties with the bad in your life

(Image source unknown)

Over the weekend, I received a request via my twitter from the lovely Lady Grinning Soul for some advice on how to let go of people, situations and relationships that are bad for us. It was a brilliant, timely idea; something we all struggle with, but ultimately something that we all have to do.

While I’m not Champion of Letting Go by any means, I do have some hard-won wisdom on the subject. I thought a lot about my own experiences as I wrote this, and I was reminded me of a few important things I’d forgotten. So not only was this cathartic, it was also really beneficial for me. I hope it helps you guys, too.

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I credit most of my ability to let go to Al-Anon, which is a program for family members of alcoholics. One of their key tenets involves detaching with love, which is straight-up cutting emotional ties to the person who is hurting you. You have to take the focus off the other person’s problems and put it back on yourself. Obsessing over another person and their behaviour–whether that entails substance abuse, partying, flirting, cheating, neglect, general fuckery, whatever–is not love.

The essential truth here is that you are not responsible for the actions of anyone else. Within the context of a relationship, for instance, this means that it’s not up to you to make sure that your partner doesn’t go to the bar and make out with a stranger. Within the context of a recently ended relationship, this means it isn’t up to you to make sure that the other person is “alright,” and it certainly isn’t up to you to police their now you-free life. You can’t MAKE anyone else do (or stop doing) anything. You have to focus on what YOU can do and how YOU can live with dignity & self-respect. This means:

• Not suffering because of other people’s actions/inaction.
• Not letting yourself be used by someone else in the name of “helping.”
• Not doing for others what they can do for themselves.
• Not covering up or ignoring transgressions.

Al-Anon taught me that detaching isn’t kind nor unkind. It’s not a judgement or approval. It’s about separating yourself from the hurtful effects of someone else’s behaviour. This step back will help give you the distance to see the situation as it really is, not as you want it to be, and allow you to make better choices in the future.

You’ve detached. Well done. Now you have to choose to let go, and know right from the start what that will mean. It means the end. It means this is done. It means no late-night phone calls, no faux-concern where you’re really measuring how much better you’re doing, no explosive emotional purges six months from now. View it like a surgical cut; it’ll bleed in the moment, it’ll ache while it heals, but in the end it’s going to be better and you’ll have a cool scar to talk about.

There is a time for everything. Immediately after cutting ties with a relationship, no matter how bad, you will feel lost at sea. You’ll feel sore and confused and lonely, or maybe you’ll feel angry, or maybe you’ll just feel empty. This is fine! Express however you feel (or don’t feel)–talk to your friends, write in a journal, keep a private blog. Do this as much as you want for two weeks at the most, but longer than that and you run the risk of getting trapped. Don’t get stuck in a pain-rut. We’ve all done it: All you do is talk about how much you miss this relationship, which causes you to remember how much it hurt to be done with it, which causes more pain, which gets all bound up with painful memories of the person, and next thing you know you’re stuck in an endless cycle of hurt. To bring back the surgical cut simile, what you’re doing here is pulling at your stitches. It won’t change anything, it will just make you hurt worse for longer and push the day where you feel okay again further into the future.

There will be a time, though it probably seems distant right now, when you will feel okay again. It’s probably around this time that the person who wasn’t great for you will make an attempt to get back into your life. Say no. Why would you want to re-establish a relationship that has already proven to be toxic? You’re smarter and worth more than that.

This person may have been wonderful at one point. But as Mama Malice always says, when a person shows you who they are, BELIEVE THEM. You’ve taken distance and time to see the situation as it really was. Don’t put yourself back in it again. Trust in the fact that there are other people out there who will bring out the best in you, who will be kind and loving and good to you, who will build with you the kind of relationship you want. Don’t go back to the bad because of nostalgia or because it’s safe.

This is another play straight from the Al-Anon handbook. It’s probably the hardest one, but it’s truly essential. You have to accept what has happened, forgive the person and let go of the resentment. This sounds very gracious but it’s actually for you more than for the other person. Holding a grudge or hating someone will corrode you from the inside out; it has never once been beneficial. I know–God, do I know–that this can feel nigh impossible. It doesn’t help that the closer the person has been to you, the worse the hurt and the harder it is to forgive. It can take a long time to get here and that’s fine, but it has to be done.

This doesn’t mean that you forget everything that has happened and accept the person back into your life with open arms. If they’re bad for you, it’s best that you don’t. But you have to make peace with what happened, whatever it was, so that you can forgive the other person AND yourself. It’s an essential part of healing, letting go and moving on.

All of this healing and painful forgiving doesn’t mean anything if you turn around and stake your fortunes on the next jerkwagon that comes along. Everyone has patterns, but repeating them once you know they’re bad is futile and silly. Look at your own actions and see how you could do things differently. You can’t control anyone but yourself, so make sure that YOU are in control, not insecurities or childhood hurts or fear. That’s a wonderful, powerful thing. Embrace it.

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What do you think? How do you let go of the bad things in your life? Any additional advice for the currently struggling?

Let me know in detail, I love hearing from you guys.